Birkerts seemed to have somewhat of an identity problem. At first I thought that he wanted to live like his characters, a life full of adventure, and he did this by reading their stories. Now I believe that Birkerts might have no sense of personal identity. I quote “I wanted to be those characters, to have their lives,” I think this quote shows Birkerts deep desire to be one of the characters he read about (pg 44). He wanted to create himself in a sense, “those years of urgent self-making was tied up with fantasy” (pg 45). I think this fact is what made Birkerts miserable for most of his life. He was trying to be something that he wasn’t. When he finally moved to Maine with his girlfriend, it was the perfect life and the perfect place for peaceful writing, but he couldn’t write. I think the reason this is was because he really didn’t want to be a writer during that time. He wanted to be a character, and live that sort of life. When he was most happy was when he was reading, and divulging into others lives. He refused to accept himself, and this led to his misery. Then his desires change. He no longer wants to be a character, but a writer; when I say writer he doesn’t want that occupation, he wants that writer’s life. A repeated word in this book is “fantasy” and that was what composed Birkerts life wholly and entirely. Then Birkerts goes through a terrible breakup and again books come to his rescue and save him. He began to read compulsively again and he “told [himself] that [he] was happy,” the wording of this quote suggests that Birkerts wasn’t actually happy. My observation of this man has led me to the conclusion that he is deeply conflicted, he wants to live an impossible fantasy life and not accept who he is as a person.
Isolation:
“Everything I had repressed after my breakup with S. came flooding forth. I wrote and wrote, and stuffed the poems away where no one would see them.” (pg 62)
Reading was a distraction and writing was a way for Birkerts to express his feelings. This writing was private, so I guess Birkerts learned as a child to keep his feelings private (probably the masculinity of his father told him that he wasn’t supposed to express emotions—like crying—publicly). But maybe only certain aspects of writing he believes should be kept private, because he discusses readings with his friend George. I’m unsure of what Birkerts thinks should be private and what should be publicly discussed…
